January 24, 2013 by Erin

The One Thing I Want

For the past year and a half, my Wednesday nights have found me revisiting a life stage I would’ve been fine to forget: middle school. When I signed up to volunteer with the middle school ministry at my church, I did it mostly as a way to get involved. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into.

I lead a small group of now 8th-grade girls, and it’s been challenging for me, the nerdy, low-key, introvert, to find ways to engage this group who are so very different from me. We’re separated by personality (the first time I said I read for fun, they literally fell off their chairs laughing) and by years, and I am consistently aware that we just don’t speak the same language. But what’s really amazing is that, somehow, God has been working in me and in them over the last year and a half. I’ve grown to love and enjoy each one of them, and I don’t think they hate me, either … oddly enough.

I thought about deleting that last sentence because it sounds so insecure, but if hanging out with middle schoolers has done anything for me, it’s put me in touch with my insecurities. It’s a vulnerable thing to go back into a world with different rules: rules that say I’m probably not cool because I love books and have a little acne and don’t have a boyfriend. It’s interesting how quickly I can slip back into my own 8th-grade mindset when I’m around my girls: unsure of myself, afraid I’ll say something stupid, overly aware of everything my body is doing. Of course at some point I always snap out of it and remember I’m a 26-year-old woman who knows who she is and loves her life, but at the end of the day, I really just want them to like me. I guess that never changes.

I do look at them and remember myself at 13, and I remember falling in love with Jesus, and thinking I had it all figured out, but not actually having a clue. I’ve tried to sort through what I learned in those years. What was important? What shaped me? What did I just have to unlearn later? I want to remember so I can show them what matters, and spare them what doesn’t. There are things I want them to understand, qualities I want them to develop, pitfalls I want them to avoid. I drive myself crazy with it all.

But when I actually stop and think about it, the one thing I really want for those girls is much simpler and much more difficult: I want them to know Jesus. I don’t want them to be good Christians or have all the answers, because they’re probably just going to question all of them when they get to college anyway. No, I want them to get a glimpse of Jesus’ great love for them, for their little hearts to be swept away by His.

If they get that, they will learn, you know? They’ll grow up and start living in a bigger world, and they’ll gain wisdom and compassion. Their minds will develop and they’ll grasp the intricacies of their faith. But it starts with them knowing Jesus loves them and loving Him in return.

And the thing is, I can’t make that happen. I can teach the stuff, but only the Holy Spirit can woo hearts. It’s humbling, terrifying, and freeing. He’s showing me that He’s good at His job. He romanced my young heart and has kept me ever since—He can and is doing the same with my girls.  It seems my job is mostly about making space for Him and letting my life be the kind that gives a clear picture of what He’s like.

Which brings me, I think, to what may be the whole point, the reason God let me be part of these girls’ lives in the first place: I’m seeing that what I want for them, is what He wants for me. He still just wants me to know He loves me and to love Him in return. And it’s what I want, too—to see Jesus clearly and fall more in love with Him. For all is loss compared to knowing Jesus.